tossing + turning

saturday night was not an easy one. it felt as though every half hour on the nose i was shifting from one side to the other, ensuring the pillow between my legs was in the perfect position - keeping my knees apart but not pushing up against my belly. the stitch in my right side only seems to be getting worse, causing even more discomfort while i try to sleep. sleeping with my right arm stretched up over my head seems to limit the pain, but who the hell can sleep comfortably like that?

i try not to even think about how my non-sleeping habits these days may be affecting dom, because honestly i don't need the added worry.

worry. there's that word. have i mentioned the dreams? the dreams that range from minor hiccups to a parent's worst nightmare; all stemming from unconscious worry.

i've been reading more books, trying my best to prepare for this big change, but i find myself lost in a sea of too much information: nipple confusion - which one book went on and on about and then another book (which was much more relatable) said it's a farce; writing birth plans - um, don't have one,  just know that i prefer to deliver the old-fashioned way with an epidural.

dom seems more concerned with the number of diaper changes, which i think is silly. in the grand scheme of the whole having a baby phenomenom, diaper changes are barely even on my radar. for me, i'm most concerned with the following:

• how will i know he is eating enough?
• what if i cannot get him to stop crying?
• what if he needs emergency care and i don't know how to handle it?
• how will i handle having my first child with all my friends and family back in canada?
• how do i ensure he grows into a man like his father and grandfathers, and not like so many horrible men out there?
• will anything about motherhood come naturally?
• am i as ready as i can be?