things that knock me flat
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
i have less than three weeks left in my twenties. and, confession? i'm terrified. when i voice this concern out loud i am ninety nine percent of the time greeted with the words "oh you're still so young," or "thirty is nothing," and as right as that may be, it's how i feel. (and why, i wonder, does society have such a way of minimizing and trivializing another person's worries? why do we do that?)
i don't feel old, nor do i feel particularly young. in so many ways i'm still that young girl furiously scribbling down her overwhelming number of thoughts into her journal, the one who needs to create something, anything, on a daily basis.
and then there is the side of me that i struggle with: the "i-don't-quite-feel-like-an-adult" version of myself. and thirty is it, i mean, you're an adult whether you like it or not. so all those ideas i had about what i would be doing by now, all that i would have done, and all that i was headed towards? they're just that now: ideas. ideas that didn't come to fruition. and there's something so depressing about that.
and then there is the side of me that i struggle with: the "i-don't-quite-feel-like-an-adult" version of myself. and thirty is it, i mean, you're an adult whether you like it or not. so all those ideas i had about what i would be doing by now, all that i would have done, and all that i was headed towards? they're just that now: ideas. ideas that didn't come to fruition. and there's something so depressing about that.
thirty. it always seemed so far away, yet here it is, just around the corner. and i'm not ready. i'm not even close. truth is: i've always been one of those people who seem to constantly be wishing time away for one reason or another, but this birthday? as far as i'm concerned it can never come around and i'd be perfectly happy with that. i'd stay in this sleep-deprived, fussy baby, limbo stage forever if it meant staying in my twenties.
if only, right?
thirty.
30.
only three weeks left.
xo,
rdg
xo,
rdg
11 comments
Your thirties are going to rock! I really felt like I figured out so much more about who I am and what I wanted out of life in my thirties and, by the time I turned forty last year, I was in a really good place. You've got this, girl!
ReplyDeletei hear a lot from women that they really enjoyed their early thirties (especially) because they found a kind of peace about themselves and their bodies. i'm hopeful that this is the case with me.
DeleteI'm 37 now and I am the most comfortable with who I am, how I look than ever before! I stopped worrying and caring about what people were thinking or saying and it's so peaceful and relaxing! The best is yet to come! Trust us (those who have reached 30 already)!
ReplyDeleteglad to hear it myra!
DeleteI always feel like in my twenties I spent so much time trying to figure out how to live then. And when 30 hit I was actually living life not so much trial and error. It was almost like a lightbulb went off and I was like "duh this is it". I also seem to have lost a sense of how old I really am I keep telling people 31 which is actually not right but in my head it doesn't seem like a lie.
ReplyDeletethat first sentence? i couldn't have said it better myself. that's a good way to describe my life in my twenties, especially the past five years. thanks for sharing!
DeleteBeautiful writing, Miss Rachel, beautiful. And yes, obviously, I agree. I'm 28 now and already I feel worn out. God, it's depressing even writing that. The frisky girl of my early 20s is bitter inside, and yet the days keep passing. It's only forward from here. BUT as the ladies above have said, I have heard that your self-confidence and satisfaction with life get better with age. Particularly in your 40s and 50s so here's to that!
ReplyDeleteAs a 28 year old myself...lord I hope you are correct Vanessa.
DeleteWow, I feel you. I'm about two weeks from 29, and I'm having really sad big-picture life thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about trivializing and minimizing; I've definitely heard that from everyone I brought it up to. Trying to talk about how you aren't ready for 29 gets the same response -- what's 29?! Nothing. You're fine. I do it to, though sometimes. I guess it starts out as an attempt at comfort so things don't seem so big in your head. But it definitely does make me feel trivial.
But I digress. ;) Rachel's comment gives me hope. I've heard that early thirties is promising for liking yourself and your body and getting more comfortable with your own thoughts. I'll hold out for that, though. But I am certainly not wishing it comes any sooner.
i think a lot of it also has to do with the list i had of things i would do before i was 30. i did a lot of them. in fact, i did the big things, so i should feel better about that, right?
DeletePeople definitely do trivialize our worries about getting older. Though they say "30 isn't old!" I bet they were just as worried when they hit the big 3-0.
ReplyDeleteI've got a year left before I hit 30 and I, too, wonder where did those years go? What do I have to show for three decades of life? But while 30 does still seem scary, reflecting on all the things I HAVE accomplished definitely makes me feel less scared.
Plus I'm banking on there being truth in finding more comfort & peace in our own skin in our 30s !
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